I want to YouTube down the Rivers of America

                My first chapbook ‘I want to YouTube down the Rivers of America’ is out in bookstores now. I put them there. Later on the bookstore owners sent them back to me. Barnes and Noble does not respect alt lit. When alt lit is a great genre they’ll be sorry. Probably Barnes and Noble will be bankrupt long before alt lit gets its due or alt lit hears a proper apology from anybody. 

                Due to my store troubles I am selling each one directly to you the consumer. Let me tell you a bit about it first:

-          Has short stories

-          Has poems

-          Has fun

-          Has 8,999 words

-          Has 43 pages

-          Made of paper, staples, and love (lots of love)

-          Bonus features probably, because why not, bonus features are fun

Payment can be done safely and effectively through a paypal account dedicated solely to this chapbook. Yes this email wants to support the chapbook. The chapbook is going out in the big world via a brown paper envelope. Gmail and paypal are there to support it. Hopefully you can be there too, to hold a piece of Beach Sloth history in your hands. Welcome to the first physical artifact of my online existence made by my very own hands. That used to be my body but I have merged to become one with the internet. 

        Paypal the following address $9:

        pleasepaybeachsloth@gmail.com

        *For simple PDFs, you can send $5 and I’ll email you a PDF copy instead. This is for international locations mostly, as I am unable to send the chapbooks overseas. 

        Send me your address via that email or via Facebook. If you are reading this you’re probably on Facebook and probably my friend. I’ll send the chapbook directly to your home. Have Beach Sloth in your home today, or at least a bound paper representative. That’s the best you are going to get. So get excited. I am. This is the first time I’ve offered a hand-made item. Before I worked with the ‘e-book’ format (still available here on Amazon) with mixed success as it felt too impersonal for my tastes. Hope this is considerably more personal. Thus far I feel it is. I want to interact on a whole other level, the IRL level. Help me do that. Thank you whoever has brought and whoever will buy one. I love you the most of all. 

        Help bring me out of the internet and into IRL. I cannot do this alone. I need your help. Bring my blog into the shining light of a brand new day!

Ullbasunen Och Daniel - +++The coming of World War II and Ford's mental collapse+++ 7.0

                Ullbasunen Och Daniel continues down the path of the weird. Every part of it indicates a different form of strange. Beats continue to make up a large part of the sound. Here broken down melodies throw themselves into the mix. What results is a swirl of sounds. At times it feels like multiple songs are playing simultaneously with each of them trying to get the upper hand. Yes this sound can be highly confusing. Upon multiple listens (which is easy as the entire EP is under ten minutes) the little details, the messed-up fragments, show off their charms. 

                ‘Car Interior Becomes an Oven’ begins the EP in a straightforward manner. Without anything holding it back it manages to create an inviting groove. Over this are multiple layers of organs working almost in opposition to one another. Messy as it is, it remains one of the more accessible songs on the entire album. At least the beat manages to stay somewhat focused. For the next car themed song ‘You Can't Fool Good Pedestrians’ the song stomps along. Various distorted noises break their way into the main song. This creates an unsettling effect. At almost three minutes in length it remains the longest song yet the construction of the loops makes it feel far longer. On ‘Hot Cars and Cool Rides’ it sounds constructed by hand on an unknown table. Even the beat feels haphazard. 

                ‘The Five-Dollar Workday’ ends it on a cryptic note in a near-busted locked groove. By ending it this way Ullbasunen Och Daniel show they are serious about weirdness. In case there was ever any doubt.

BTU - Without Armour 7.8

                BTU’s ‘Without Armour’ pierces right into the heart of the party. This is a party EP. Horns blast drunken trying to keep time with expansive blobs of sound. By keeping the whole thing loopy BTU makes this infinitely enjoyable. Whatever strange tempo BTU employs they manage to have the horns distorted wails down to a science. How the horns fit into the whole thing injects a great deal of fun, in case the kaleidoscopic samples weren’t enough for the effect. Running the samples backwards and forwards (oftentimes simultaneously) maintains this joyous celebration. 

                ‘Government’ begins with a false sense of dread for the first few seconds. Out of the industrial noises comes a flexible groove. The loops are brought almost to their breaking point. Elasticity makes this a delightful silly romp of a song. For some reason BTU feels the need to make a Tom Waits reference with ‘Swordbeerfish’. For this song BTU slows things down a bit letting things mellow out. Essentially it is a relaxed remix of the previous song. Tempos get further distorted with the completely intoxicated stumble of ‘Breath Awesome’ which sounds akin to a smooth jazz station gone horribly wrong. It all ends with the epic ‘Blueen’ which appears to stretch out endlessly. From the dance-friendly to the weird backwards flips, it remains the only song without a song sense of psyched-out saxophone. 

                No matter how out there BTU’s ‘Without Armour’ gets it manages to capture a true sense of joy. Everything on here is completely unpredictable. It is a wonderful oddly moving little collection.

AUMM 2 by Various Artists

                Ah yes this is the end the best internet friend the end. 

                Jesse Eells-Adams pictures his life as a burden and not as a gift. That’s not the way the big man sees it. To the big man, Jesse is the model consumer ready to buy whatever, down and dirty with the dollars. Long distance relationships typically have money concerns like ‘I need some danged money’. Sadly transportation is far too expensive. Animals rarely worry about transportation as they tend to be rather fast despite their four legged nature. Masturbation addictions are tough to beat especially after everything gets sore. Parties generally lack masturbation though hookups exist. Jamey’s gift appears to be rather intense and involves a special masturbation act. A better gift would be a toaster, a brave toaster willing to give up its life for its owner. Joel Osteen and ‘Freaks and Geeks’ go together surprisingly nicely. Joel Osteen is a huge fan of the outcasts of the world, like Jesus who has since become far more popular after his death just like every good artist. 

                John Facey wonders what he has done with his life. Millions of people do. That’s the only way they know they are alive. Gas-forming foods have nothing to do with success though raw fruits definitely make the world a better place. Creed the chart-topping Christian band of the 90s, 00s and today makes the world the best place for the Lord and Savior, Satan.  

                Justin Maddey compares life to a bowl of cherries because life can be sweet and the pits at the same time. 

                Justin Pedic claims anime is more important than school. Nobody should believe that. Life is more than fooling around or Fooly Cooly as some anime would let the reader believe. Life doesn’t involve stuff simply growing out of prepubescent teens’ heads. Only a lucky few get that experience. Chasing the bus is an important growing experience. To chase anything is to have dreams. 

                Kevin Douglas questions whether or not he is a man whore. If a man needs to ask this question then perhaps he’s living the man whore lifestyle. Not everybody is so lucky. Ugly people, shy people avoid this lifestyle choice of physical connection. Some of those man whores grow up to become real dogs. The most unlucky find themselves at Burning Man wondering when their hedonism becomes a parody. Mud sex orgies are only interesting for so long. 

                Kyle Peets asks the reader to come on home. Out of somewhere comes the proclamation that the world is for everyone. Property seems to throw that idea asunder. Beds create new territories in the mind. There is no wild west. Such things are for movies. The imagination is the frontier of the world. 

                Kyleigh James insults hippies’ most sacred territory besides Northern California. This is terrible. Poor rich hippies want to live the remainder of their cultural influence in obscurity. Nobody should ever be fine with their ridicule of their genitalia no matter how crusty or gross.

                Libby Rindal displays the love of reptiles. Although reptiles are cold-blooded reptiles have warm hearts. It is beautiful how they hug. 

                Matthew Polishak wishes for the impossible thing. Nobody knows where their life is going. That’s part of the joy of life: knowing nothing. 

                Miles Uroshevich demands a serious conversation about alligator porn. The alligator porn starts in alligator lounges in Brooklyn where the romance happens. Love without Satan is no kind of love. Alligators need Satan so they can copulate over the carcasses of dead creatures they killed with their sharp teeth. Subway is full of dead creatures via extreme depression. Anybody in a Subway wonders why they are there. The reason is never good enough. 

                Natalie McDirt insults someone via brand-new mobile phone technology. It is the harshest of vibes.

                Natalie Reiser expresses sadness at Jesus Dinosaur. Few know this but Jesus was a dinosaur heralding back to the land before time. BC was invented later as an afterthought as a way to thank him for his great work. 

                Nic McNamara shows off two oversized stuffed animals in a true expression of love. 

                Pittsburgh Happyhour recalls a classic Bible episode, the fun one with the foresight about foreskin. 

                Raunaq Das advises the reader to embrace the light. Clearly that’s happening. That’s why electronic screens glow so bright. 

                Riley McAdoo expresses joy at finding another rare Nirvana fan. Fibers of the Nirvana community are rather strong due to Nirvana’s extremely underground nature. 

                Shawn Maddey explores the beauty of the world’s smallest microscopic bears. They devour dust bunnies for breakfast lunch and dinner. What better breakfast than that of ultimate regret? Plenty live off of the many infused nutrients of the disappointment lifestyle. Of course from disappointment comes sexual preferences and eventual pornography. Pornography can be one of the saddest forms of media or the happiest. 

                Shiloh O’Connor shows the many faces of media. It is worrisome how much can be shoved into entertainment. What is entertainment anymore? 

                Stephanie Rogers thinks of a peanut butter fish. The technology isn’t there yet. It needs a few years first. Scientists are working around the clock though. 

                Wayne Gumble captures the worry of Craigslist. Poor Craigslist suckers are the loneliest individuals on the planet. From here Wayne captures various scenes of life with the power of art. 

                Winston McDirt finishes it with the wish of a child. Children long to age. The old long to slow down time. Yet the more time passes the less meaning it has. Years begin to blur into each other. Eventually it all becomes the same thing. The trial version of life is childhood. After that things get far more difficult. 

                The world exhales with this collection. For a moment the entire thing leaves one breathless. It is too big of a thing for anyone to believe. Yet here it is in all of its massive glory burning ever so bright via the power of computer light.

AUMM 2 by Various Artists

                AUMM 2 takes things to illogical extremes. The imagery is not suitable for young viewers. Due to explicit content young ones should avoid the intense body of work. Unfortunately though on the internet there are no rules. Good thing AUMM takes full advantage of this freedom, give this freedom drinks, and hangs out with freedom until the wee hours of the morning. What AUMM creates with this second offering is as refreshing as ice cream on a hot summer day. 

                Aaron Lowe goes out to the club riding a pink horse. This is the brony life. Few have that innate ability to party hard. From this lifestyle comes a carbohydrate desire, the need to become one of the bread of the heavens raining down. Unfortunately some are unable to appreciate the bread as they are on a terrible dictatorship of a diet.

                Arlo Brooks brings spiders together for a common purpose: to create a community. Spiders are often solitary creatures. When spiders come together numbering in the millions they fulfill the nightmares of so many people and the dreams of a few fetishists. Duct-taped walls are worrisome things. Drywall is supposed to keep it together. Adhesive form poor building materials. Of course the need comes from fire playing of the Prodigies of fire-starters. Introspection would happen with the fire-starters if they weren’t burning down the house for the amusement of the Talking Heads.

                Blare Coughlin states the most untruthful statement about herself ever. People dig the Blare Coughlin style and her never-ending online presence. 

                Brenton Clarke quotes the infinitely quotable Gandhi. Few know it but Gandhi penned some serious intense lyrics that remain in use today. 

                Connor Morrison warns against becoming a statistic. No matter what a person does they are going to be a statistic. The data-miners require people to do something, anything in order to be properly counted. Sleeping, eating, drinking, buying candy, the statisticians are there ready to count it all. 

                Cory Rohr describes Lenin the way he wants to be remembered: as a mushroom. At least that was the only way a person could ever see the Soviet Union (through mushroom knowledge). Communists loved mushrooms. John Cage knew the secret heart of communists were mushrooms. It was one of his areas of expertise. With hamburgers mushrooms found a formidable challenge: how to get inside the most common food experience. Vegetarians, vegans, and anti-fast food enthusiasts created the mushroom burger in response. That’s why people die happy after the poisonous mushroom burgers on the Tuesdays of this world. 

                Dos Mef impersonates the central anxiety system. 

                Dylan Gutridge compares the current governor of New Jersey to famed Hollywood actor John Goodman. It is an apt metaphor for the interchangeability of celebrity. Chris Christie is out of control. Whoever doubts Chris Christie’s existence is not alone. The large and in charge Chris Christies of this world are too surreal to be believed. 

                Dylan Lavine talks of sexual horses, hung like horses. This is common. Reproduction calls for all forms. Sometimes it is more or less socially acceptable. Juggalos though are the least socially acceptable members of society. Poor Juggalos can’t get a break. All Juggalos want is to settle down, wear face paint, raise a family and feed their kids Faygo. In a way it is the American dream with clown makeup. Nothing is wrong with it. 

                Elijah Wandered discovers the true meaning of “The Shining”. Families need love. What families don’t need are ax-wielding lunatics to murder them. Axe-wielding douchebags are even worse. Pop culture supports the family functions. John Lennon imagined a world where everybody would live as one. Sadly that world is far away because to live in harmony would infringe on that song’s copyright protection. 

                Emery Way dreams of a world with a mighty macro of a penis. Of course this is a little too suggestive for display hence the big blankness. 

                Jameson Chace speaks of cat farts. Poor cats got to fart. It is part of their way of defeating their otherwise squeaky clean image they have of adorable cold creatures. What creature should get a better image is the shark which is a gentle spirit that occasionally eats people. Honestly Hippos are far more sinister yet they get away with it. 

                Jamey Strathman embraces the YOLO lifestyle. That means acceptance of one’s eventual death. While people will all someday die they live on forever in hearts, stories, and internet caches. One way streets love one direction a little too much. Sometimes it is good to have a little variation, to throw in danger for a change. Shame has ways to have people improve themselves. Physical pain, embarrassment, this is all part of the improvement toolbox to prevent future tools. A boy and his dog understand this concern quite well. Dark thoughts begin in childhood. Adulthood is dedicated to the innocent vengeance of a child. People have families for this very reason. Sly children are born to be sexy. Everybody loves love on the sly with fly people. Yep that’s the only way insects and people will ever come together. 

                One post is never enough. That’s why there is a part two ready to guide this collection through.